I think it was around 12 in the night, the cold air trying very hard to squeeze into the room from the window in the bedroom, when I heard her childlike voice whispering in my ear. The room was pitch black, the silence was frightening.The sweat started gushing out of my body and my first reaction to that was "not again!". My sleep was shattered and I knew at that moment that its not going to be easy for the next few hours. In the mean while I got up, splashed some water on my face just to get rid of the dizzy feeling in me, popped in the sleeping pills my doc gave me, switched on my i-pod to let the flow of James Hetfield's voice dominate "her" voice for sometime. But I was too weak to let that happen at such a dark hour of my life. Literally! The voice kept pleading me to talk to her, in such a helpless voice as if a small girl is asking her mom to let her play for just some more time. It was getting tougher and tougher for me. I got up to smoke a cigarette just to evaporate the voice ringing in my ears. The thick smoke bursting out of mouth oozed me for a second. It just gave me the break I needed, I felt so isolated which was just what i needed. Sometimes I think life becomes so difficult without these intoxicants. But then I realised, just like the smoke the voice was only gone till the cigarette lasted. The voice itself is the biggest intoxicant in my life right now.
It has left me on the edge of the two realms of the world- existing and non existing. The most interesting part in this situation is that I have been slowly drifting away towards the later one. My ability to distinguish between an illusion and reality was fading away!
What do I do now? Having left nothing to do, I slipped away slowly under my blanket with a faint of hope of regaining my lost sleep and peace. The silence was playing its part. It was becoming unbearable due to the fact that the voice was getting more and more vibrant. Sometimes I feel that I prefer living in the delusional world around me. Maybe because, atleast I wouldnt have to struggle coping up with the reality around me. Day by day I know that I am losing the battle with my own mind to recognise the existing society in which I am living. What kind of hell would that be? Never in my life I thought a day would come where I would be scared to just think of the word 'IMAGINATION'.
I dont know for how long I have to keep trying to live avoiding these delusions I have. Maybe one day i'll learn to live symbiotically between both the realms of my mind is experiencing. In the mean time I guess the sleeping pills started to work, I am slowly moving away into the unconscious part of my mind.
